The featured photo is from the movie, “Two Can Play That Game”, it’s one of my fav. romantic comedies!) Please play the provided music below while listening to this post please and thank you!
✍🏽4:36 am I dedicate this to my first college romance you know who you are I will just call you Cain( If you are reading this let me just say: may this find you in your time of need Thank you for saving me when I did not even know I needed saving, and thank you for always reminding me that I am worth saving. Your heart is full of gold.)
Let me just say this to y’all: YOU ARE WORTH ALL THE LOVE YOU NEED TO RECEIVE
I wanna talk about having to let go of people, things etc., that you love in order to grow.
Rather that person is family, a friend, a stranger, your best friend whatever they are to you. If they are stopping your growth,this is damaging you and you must cut it off.
Remember flowers cannot grow with being fed toxins instead of water. Find someone that feds into your mind, soul, and waters you daily (vice versa).
Personally for me I am not a prideful person, but I am a very protected/guarded person. I protect myself from situations that make me vulnerable and runaway from situations that will leave me in a battlefield with no weapons (if you can catch my drift).
So I want to tell y’all a story. STORYTIMEEEE….
When I began college I was determined to keep focus and just focus on me and school.But y’all know that’s not what happened. 🙂
But any one who has been to school understands how difficult this task is. In college you will find the most amount of depressed teens and young adults in vast amounts. As a college student going through classes every Monday -Friday and having only 3 days off becomes a routine but it also becomes mechanic and depressive.
SO in order to battle the consistent sadness, you MUST go out, socialize, and meet new people.
I met Cain during my first semester, he was a sweet guy who could take my humor, handled my flaws; flaws that made me feel insecure, and he made me feel secure. Deep down I wanted love, so I accepted his love with ease and did not question it as often.
I did not believe I would become attach as I did. Over a short period of time we ad talked through either texting, messaging, facetime and in person for hours. We would talk from dusk to dawn.
And for all my Atlanta University Center, readers LAWDDD we was at the, “caking tables”, till 4 am in the morning talking about anything and everything! I somehow became depended on hearing his voice, seeing his smile, and me brushing off his warm embraces (he so desperately tried to get me to accept).😭
But there came a time where I had to let go of Cain because he distracted me from my goal. I expeditiously and unknowingly became infatuated with him and poured love into him that I needed to give to myself. I began to neglect myself
In the words of one my fav musicians, Mick Jenkins in, “Strange Love” off his 2016 piece, “The Healing Component”, says:
Walked away from niggas needed my help
I mean how I’ma give you what I clearly still need for myself?
Underwater tryna breathe for myself
Going deep so the pressure is massive
I kept giving away the love I needed for myself to others. For me this was not self love, this was not suppose to be apart of my journey.
My goal was and still is so find myself and love my self. I wanted to find who I was while being a pupil of Spelman College.
So I cut off our romantic relationship and we became just friends. It was great until my extra burdens came into play. See I was not like every regular teen going to college. I had my family on my back along with my sisters with me. So when I was stressed or upset it was not because of my actions I was upset but because of the actions and decisions made by others. He understood after I opened up how I felt.
But I have trust issues. I have holes and cracks, that are supposed to be filled and plugged, but aren’t.
I’m still a work in progress… but y’all knew this already.
So fast forward like a month or so or…. two. We were amazing as friends but I began to detach myself away from him. No matter how hard and how long he tired I could not open up I was and still am fearful of being in a place of vulnerability. He would text me frequently and check up on me (may God bless his heart for this), but I could not communicate with him like my heart wanted me too. I was in inner turmoil:
My heart: Trust him
My brain: If you trust him, he will claim he will stay and will leave you when you need him the most.
IT SUCKED okay y’all! Because still to this day on rare times I ponder on what could have been. Cause I know we both played our parts in the downfall of our relationship.
Fast forward another month ….and he stopped reaching out to me. Like I was upset at first cause in my head I was upset that he allowed my brain to win over my heart. But he was not and still is not the one to blame. It’s my fault I know this. He too deserved the love that I could not provide him with so he went seeking elsewhere. To this very day I am uncertain if he has ever found the love that I could not provide him,but I pray that he has and if not yet that he will.
For this is part where I become misty eyes while laughing. Life is so crazy. I was at one point in my life where I only wanted him and for him to be with me. But NOW have come into terms with letting go and see him happy even if it is not with me.
In our relationship neither of us were mentally ready for one another and there came a time where I was time emotionally ready for him to be such a force that he was in life.
I believe that’s when you truly know you care for someone.
When you pray for someone harder and more frequently than you pray for yourself.
(At least that is when I knew I had fallen in love with Cain.)
Now don’t get me wrong I was pissed. I went through all the stages like denial acceptance and blah blah. I even tried to get him back but I heard from mutual friend it was too late. So I knew then if I truly cared about him I would let him go.
Let me add this, I am at peace with the status of non existent relationship. I am happy because even though it hurt to let Cain go, it gave me a space to grow and a platform to furthermore develop myself as a woman. I knew that for either one of us to grow we had to let go of each other.
I am thankful for the chance to experience a relationship that allowed me to grow and even facilitated my growth. It has helped me create new relationships and make connections with people I never fathom I could and would meet.
And as Cain would say, things always happen for a reason. 🙂
I wanted to tell my lovely readers: to please do not be scared of love cause yes its scary but its worth it!
YOU DESERVED TO LOVE.
YOU DESERVED TO BE LOVED.
YOU DESERVED TO RECEIVE THE LOVE YOU GIVE THE OTHERS BACK.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
YOU ARE WORTH LOVING!!!!! remember that I love you and if no one else tells you.
Have you shared a experience similar to mine or just want to tell me what on your mind? Tweet me loves @CaitlinCakn #naturalloveblog✨✨✨✨✨
Thank you Chris for allowing me to feel and reflect on emotions! Thank you for accepting me for me. Love you always 💓
“…The basics of his message was love, the basics just loving yourself and projecting that love onto others
Treat the nice man like a brother
And I know it’s love if you know his words
Then you know it’s God…”