being present is a present.

Written May 22nd, 2017

I have been gone for a little while  I have been practicing being more present in my life for the last 2 months. also cause I had been a lil down. I didn’t know how to express how I felt about certain experiences I have had during my last month of college. I had probably the best highlights of my first year of college during my spring semester at Spelman.

Last night My amazing and beautiful friend, Esmeralda helped me out. I thank God for her. I thank God for allowing me to get accepted into Whitney Young and I got to meet her.( love you mamacita)

So I want to talk about dating or talking to people. this school semester I have talked to more people than I did last semester. As I said in one of my older blog post that even when I am hurt by people in my pursuit of love, that I would not stop trying. I had wrote: 

“I do not want you guys  to be afraid and scared to love like I have been for the past 10 years of my life. Cause living how I was and not accepting my blessings and love that I deserved hurt me more than he and anyone else ever could.”

 

So I did not stop and in April,I had turned 20 so I promised myself that I would:

  1. experience more,
  2. live more
  3. love more.

(here’s a pic from my birthday celebration with a friend) 🙂

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A part of me experiencing more had included me unexpectedly entering into a situation with an individual during my very last month of college. It very quickly it became real lol. If any of y’all know me in real life then you know I’m nice and passionate but I am also very serious and don’t really play games.

With this individual, I knew what I wanted it. At the end of our relationship, I ended up not getting what I wanted. And I hated that, but now I have come to terms with it. Cause…

I know what is for me, will be there for me. 

And as I reflected I felt like everything moved too fast and I even felt like I rushed it but I realized I did not. Things I did was all because of where I come from, I was born and raised on the west side of Chicago.Chicago has shaped the woman I am today. My city taught me to live like I was on my last breath of life. So many lives are taken before they can be even lived. If you know what you want you to have to go chase and snatch it up. Because time is of the essence and cannot be wasted.So looking back I am not sorry for claiming what I wanted. I have no regrets now.

But since I am being honest I did at first, I had a regret. He made me feel like I rushed things and my own life. I took the comment to heart when I shouldn’t have because they have just gathered the info they knew about me and my actions and stated an observation. Multiple talks with my friends and a few shed tears of pure frustration and annoyance later. I feel myself-moving on from what could have been :).  I was trying too hard and that was taking more than just my energy away from me. I was giving away too much of my love and my loyalty without allowing these things to be earned. I learned the lesson of:

As I talked to Esmeralda she shared these wise words with me that I want to share with you all 🙂

she said: “you won’t ever have to rush anything. when you know, you’ll know. &dont let him make you feel bad for wanting him to know right away what his intentions were w you…”

I found what Esme said about intentions to really stand out to me. I want yall to know it is exteremly important for you to find out what someone’s intentions are with you! This generation of teens/ adults makes jokes like:

Like so what If I met you two days ago…. I’m just trying to find out if wasted two days or not. be real with me and I will be real with you.

I want y’all to remember that:

Your energy and presence are sacred. When you realize that your time is precious…you become more selective with your time and who you spend your time with it.

I learned the lesson of: don’t allow anyone to waste your time, just because they are uncertain what they want when you already know what you want.

Ask yourself this:

Why waste your time playing around when you already know what you want?

Remember:

Life is too short to not get what you want AND deserve okay loves!

If I was not practicing being present I wouldn’t have realized I the lessons that I have learned about myself and life from this particular experience.

Like I previously said I had not getting what I wanted but I also re-learned that not every loss you take is a loss , but a lesson.

Don’t be afraid to say what you want and then don’t be afraid to go after what you deserve. Trust God’s actions. Trust your progress.

Cause when God tells you indirectly or even directly tells you that the person you WANT is not the person you NEED, it is God doing his work:

Cause many of us ask God for signs and when he gives it to us we ignore it. Like come on now.

You can’t have growth without taking a few risks.

Love,

Caitlin

 

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Bruised, not broken.

May 15th, 2017

First off, I want to thank Caitlin for allowing me to collaborate with her and for her support in writing this piece, as well as, letting me publish it on onlynaturallove.wordpress.com. I’ve been reading her blog since I got to Howard University and personally, I admire her genuineness, strength, and positivity. Thank you Caitlin for letting me do this because I feel as though in writing this for myself, I might also touch someone else.   

A little back story: My ex boyfriend broke up with me (for lack of better words) because I was away at school and he knew he was going to fuck other bitches while I was away. I hadn’t been away at school for a month at this point.

Let me be clear, I was never naive enough to believe that we would last forever.

I will say that I never thought it would end as ugly as it did. With that being said, never in a million years did I think us breaking up would affect me the way that it has. I also wanna point out that though we officially broke up in September, there was a lot of back and forth and we didn’t stop speaking to each other until November. It is now May and a lot has changed since November. Up until about April, I would say that I was just very sad. I take mental health very serious and so I don’t want to say the word depressed because there are people who have actually been diagnosed with depression however, I was very down. I never considered suicide but, I definitely wanted to die. I felt broken, purposeless, and weak. I was so angry. At everyone. I not only felt betrayed by him but my family and friends as well. I usually cried myself to sleep every night and during the day I spent a lot of time alone, kind of just going through the motions: School, work, eat, sleep…repeat. To be honest, as I write this, I don’t know if I can truly say “I’m over it.” I do know that I see the growth in myself. Everyday gets a little bit better. I do not claim to know everything about break ups but I do believe in sharing what I dealt with so that maybe I can help someone else. Here is how I got through (am getting through) MY break up:

  • REFLECTING:: DO NOT HOP RIGHT INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. I’ll never forget my friend Rob telling me in high school that I always went from guy to guy. (No, I didn’t sleep with all of them LBS) He probably doesn’t even remember telling me this but he said, “You know it’s okay to be single. Be alone.” It didn’t hit me until after this breakup but I guess I really did have a problem with being by myself. I didn’t want to be alone and I’m sure I’m not the only girl who has ever felt like that. A few therapy sessions later, I have realized that it is okay to be by yourself. Did it help that not one guy at Howard tried to talk to me?? Well, yes because obviously, I had no choice but to be alone, lol. Even now though, with me smiling more (getting my groove back) and new guys expressing their interest in me, I’m okay with just being by myself for right now. I never really learned how to just be alone and be comfortable in myself to know that I, alone, am enough. Learn to be comfortable with just you before you get involved with someone else.
  • GETTING SERIOUS WITH GOD: I love my family and friends to death, I really do but, the only person who had my back 24 hours/7 day a week was God. I grew up in the church like most people I know but, I am no better than anybody else. I definitely don’t deserve His love yet God is always looking out. Simple as that. Towards the beginning, I was real life cursing God. I was legit so mad that any of this was happening to me. I didn’t understand why it had to happen the way it did and why that nigga wasn’t valuing me.

Wrong.

Only person I needed to be valued by is God and of course, myself.

When I would be sitting in my dorm, tears streaming down my face asking God to please let me die, telling him that I can’t get through any of this, He would send comfort. That probably sounds so dramatic but, I’m oh so serious. I can’t even explain how it just felt like God was rubbing my back or wiping my tears away and a sense of peace would just come over me. I got through my first year of college because of Him and Him alone. I still gotta work on being consistent with Him, however, I encourage everybody to seek Him every day. He was the light during my dark times. I could go on and on about how God has been through this with me but, in a nutshell, get ya relationship with Him together.

  • TRUST YOURSELF: I love my family and friends so much. I really do but, with the exception of my amazing roommate Tierra and my girl Kiana, absolutely nobody was there for me like you would’ve thought. I’m not saying my friends were bad friends or that my family is terrible. Not at all but, the truth of the matter is that everyone is dealing with their own shit and many of times, perhaps your people don’t understand what you’re going through. (My family and friends didn’t get it at all.) Shit, I didn’t even understand what I was going through. I just knew I was sad and very angry all the time. Learn to trust yourself. Your journey. I’m not saying you don’t need a support system because I believe that can be important but, I realized that in the end, the only way I was going to feel better is if I got myself together. I don’t know how many times I called Kiana crying, would feel better after talking to her and then cry all over again. It is a mindset. I can’t sit around thinking defeat and expect to get through something. Trust yourself, you can get through it.
  • TAKING BREAKS: I now take social media breaks. I call it going to Egypt after getting the idea from Alicia Keys who would take trips to Egypt and disconnect from the rest of the world. This is where she would get the most peace. I love my breaks. Just disconnect for a few days. Delete the apps (stop lurking, LOL) and just focus on what’s in front of you. I’m a Communications major and so I recognize the importance of social media and how it’s damn near impossible not to use. Trust me when I say though, taking breaks has helped me tremendously. When I’m off of social media, I’m off. I don’t worry about what’s going on with anybody but myself. It leaves more time to focus on you. Honestly, that’s how it needs to be sometimes. This kind of goes with my final piece of advice…
  • LET PEOPLE GO: I say this in reference to exes but also, friends/family. If it’s one thing I learned throughout this break up, it’s that you do not need everyone. Not meaning that you have to fall out with everybody but, I wanted to heal. I want to be better. I want to grow. I want my peace. If people aren’t trying to help you do that, drop em. It’s not always that simple but it can be. Someone I considered family really hurt me by going out to celebrate with my ex and his new girlfriend. Yall, I was so mad. Eventually, I had to look at the situation more maturely though. It doesn’t always need to be drama or bad blood. I have no ill feelings toward the girl anymore-I just let her go. She wasn’t going to help me get to where I needed to be and her doing that foul shit wasn’t either. Since then, I have done a lot of filtering and it has definitely helped. I have many more things to learn but, I do know that everyone that is in my life now, I have allowed to be in my life, I want them in my life and in their individual ways, they all have a positive impact on who I am trying to become.

I also wanted to share some books that I personally have read that helped me throughout this process:

  1. Who am I without you? 52 ways to Rebuild Self-Esteem After a Breakup by Christina G Hibbert,
  2. The Wait by Devon Franklin and Meagan Good,
  3. Bigger Than Me by Monyetta Shaw and Lost and Found by Sarah Jakes. (Excited to read her new book, Don’t Settle for Safe too!)

Thanks again for allowing me to do this Caitlin. If anyone would like to comment, has a question or would like to know more information, I can be reached at daynahp98@gmail.com.

Xoxo,

Dayn💘

a love letter to my life line

April 28th.

I want to share yall a letter I wrote to my twin sister, Alexis. My regular blog post will be back tomorrow, but I want to share this special gift with you all.

This past Friday, April 28th Alexis and I celebrated yet another birthday together and I couldn't feel anymore bless knowing God keeps blessing my best friend and me.

I wrote this letter to you and I am sharing it because you deserve your shine

you deserve for others to see how great you are

you deserve to have the world and our onlookers to see how you shine so bright.IMG_1259

Dear Alexis,

If you knew I was writing this you would try to stop me.

You know I am overly emotional when it comes to you

I sit here and watch you scroll on your phone  as it is April 27th, the day before our birthday

You have no idea how much I love you.

You are the physical form of what my love looks like

You are so beautiful

You are so graceful

I have never met someone who is so kind even though this world has been so cruel to both of us.

You still make room  for love

for happiness

and even for hope when the world tells you should be hopeless and should give up

But you being you, you never quit, you never cry, you never complain.

You are my anchor.

You provide me with a level of strength that is unmatched.

Your spirit revives me it brings me back alive in places where I believed I could not even grow in.

When I gave up you pushed me picked me up and believed in me.

You held me down and you have never let me go.

And for that, I will never let you fall.

I vow to never let you fall

to never let you slip or slip up

I vow that I will always love you

I vow to always remind you what you mean to me.

I vow to never allow you to forget your worth to me.

I will always love you.

my love for you unconditional. I can't wait for us to take trips. I'm excited to be with you. Your growth… your progress is amazing to me. To see you fall and always pick yourself up always motivates me to be better.

to be more

to love more

to experience more

to just be.to be present.

I want you know you are my world. I don't know where my life would be if it would not be for you. 

I think I would have made my many attempts of ending my life acutally successful. I thank you and our family for always reminding me you guys love me and tell me that y'all lives would be totally different if I hadn't chose to exist.

I don't believe I would even be living if it weren't for you. I want to thank you for always loving me

I want to thank you for showing what love should be like. A love like ours is unconditional. It is supportive. It is respectful. It is progressive. It is whole and it is genuine.

Thank you for existing.Thank you for always pushing through. Thank you mom and dad for believing in us and always pushing us to do more and be more. Thank you for creating us and thank you for loving us always, no matter what condition her and I may be in.

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To Alexis: I think ma and pops knew what they were doing when they named me, pure… when they named Caitlin. I love you with my whole entire being and I pray every day that you will never forget this.

I love you always,

your twin sister

Caitlin

I m so happy that God blessed me with you . As we end our first year in college together I am so happy to finish it with the one I started it all with it. I can't wait till we are wealthy and our current and past hardships are nothing but a figment of our imagination. I love you always. I am so proud of you as always.IMG_1133

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