Written May 22nd, 2017
I have been gone for a little while I have been practicing being more present in my life for the last 2 months. also cause I had been a lil down. I didn't know how to express how I felt about certain experiences I have had during my last month of college. I had probably the best highlights of my first year of college during my spring semester at Spelman.
Last night My amazing and beautiful friend, Esmeralda helped me out. I thank God for her. I thank God for allowing me to get accepted into Whitney Young and I got to meet her.( love you mamacita)
So I want to talk about dating or talking to people. this school semester I have talked to more people than I did last semester. As I said in one of my older blog post that even when I am hurt by people in my pursuit of love, that I would not stop trying. I had wrote:
"I do not want you guys to be afraid and scared to love like I have been for the past 10 years of my life. Cause living how I was and not accepting my blessings and love that I deserved hurt me more than he and anyone else ever could."
So I did not stop and in April,I had turned 20 so I promised myself that I would:
- experience more,
- live more
- love more.
(here's a pic from my birthday celebration with a friend) 🙂
A part of me experiencing more had included me unexpectedly entering into a situation with an individual during my very last month of college. It very quickly it became real lol. If any of y'all know me in real life then you know I'm nice and passionate but I am also very serious and don't really play games.
With this individual, I knew what I wanted it. At the end of our relationship, I ended up not getting what I wanted. And I hated that, but now I have come to terms with it. Cause…
I know what is for me, will be there for me.
And as I reflected I felt like everything moved too fast and I even felt like I rushed it but I realized I did not. Things I did was all because of where I come from, I was born and raised on the west side of Chicago.Chicago has shaped the woman I am today. My city taught me to live like I was on my last breath of life. So many lives are taken before they can be even lived. If you know what you want you to have to go chase and snatch it up. Because time is of the essence and cannot be wasted.So looking back I am not sorry for claiming what I wanted. I have no regrets now.
But since I am being honest I did at first, I had a regret. He made me feel like I rushed things and my own life. I took the comment to heart when I shouldn't have because they have just gathered the info they knew about me and my actions and stated an observation. Multiple talks with my friends and a few shed tears of pure frustration and annoyance later. I feel myself-moving on from what could have been :). I was trying too hard and that was taking more than just my energy away from me. I was giving away too much of my love and my loyalty without allowing these things to be earned. I learned the lesson of:
As I talked to Esmeralda she shared these wise words with me that I want to share with you all 🙂
she said: "you won't ever have to rush anything. when you know, you'll know. &dont let him make you feel bad for wanting him to know right away what his intentions were w you…"
I found what Esme said about intentions to really stand out to me. I want yall to know it is exteremly important for you to find out what someone's intentions are with you! This generation of teens/ adults makes jokes like:
Like so what If I met you two days ago…. I'm just trying to find out if wasted two days or not. be real with me and I will be real with you.
I want y'all to remember that:
Your energy and presence are sacred. When you realize that your time is precious…you become more selective with your time and who you spend your time with it.
I learned the lesson of: don't allow anyone to waste your time, just because they are uncertain what they want when you already know what you want.
Ask yourself this:
Why waste your time playing around when you already know what you want?
Life is too short to not get what you want AND deserve okay loves!
If I was not practicing being present I wouldn't have realized I the lessons that I have learned about myself and life from this particular experience.
Like I previously said I had not getting what I wanted but I also re-learned that not every loss you take is a loss , but a lesson.
Don't be afraid to say what you want and then don't be afraid to go after what you deserve. Trust God's actions. Trust your progress.
Cause when God tells you indirectly or even directly tells you that the person you WANT is not the person you NEED, it is God doing his work:
Cause many of us ask God for signs and when he gives it to us we ignore it. Like come on now.
You can't have growth without taking a few risks.
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